What if your Date asks for a free massage treatment?

As Massage Therapists, we can all relate to this topic, be it a date or a new girlfriend or boyfriend or even a partner that you’ve been with for several years. Navigating requests for free treatments within personal relationships poses unique challenges. There’s always that feeling of not getting paid for something that you normally charge for. Because quite frankly, you'd like to be doing something else with that partner and not what you do “to earn money”. I'm also talking about the moments of “hey honey can you just give me a quick rub on the shoulders?”, as you settle down to watch your favourite show on television with a nice glass of red after a big day massaging. But what's the best way to handle this situation?

When I knew I had a busy day ahead or even a busy week with full bookings, I would measure out my energy levels according to what I had to put into the massage. For example, if I knew I had some fairly challenging massages ahead of me, I would organise the bookings around those as they were more than likely my first priority because they required more energy. The other clients although not as challenging or difficult were no less important to me, but they didn’t actually ZAP my energy. So, if you are a deep tissue massage therapist, a RMT, or spa beauty massage therapist, the customer doesn’t always come with physical issues that you have to deal with. You know what I mean, don’t you?

You have those customers that come and lie on the table and don’t utter a word? Then you have those others that will tell you every single detail of what they’ve done since they’ve seen you, or everything about their family, their work and even their dog's antics! There are the types that treat our massage sessions as not just for physical treatment but as emotional and mental therapy. This is when, as a massage therapist delivering energy to help energy, one has to look after one’s own inputs and outputs both physically, mentally, and emotionally, and be aware of what your levels and limits are.

So, let’s get back to if your date asks for a free treatment.

In new relationships, understanding mutual expectations regarding one’s profession is crucial. Misconceptions about the nature of massage therapy, such as the misguided association with sex work, persist despite efforts to educate. Clarifying expectations early on can help mitigate misunderstandings and align both parties’ perspectives. While charging for services may seem contentious, it asserts the value of one’s time and expertise. The other thing to consider is, and I’m very guilty of this, is that your family, your partner or your good friends, come with preconceived ideas about you. You also have your own expectation of what their expectations are and you would never want to let them down because of this emotion is involved. Personally, I am aware that my tolerance level for partners or family members is a lot lower than that of paying customers. Therefore, for me, a business transaction takes the emotion away from the effort. Yes, you have a level of care and responsibility for a customer who pays you money for a service, but you don’t have the emotional investment like you do for someone you are close to. Critiques, whether warranted or not, can sting more profoundly in personal relationships, leading to heightened sensitivity and reactive responses. And who knows how this will affect a personal relationship?

However, monetary compensation isn’t the only form of reciprocity; bartering arrangements, such as exchanging services or goods, can also be considered. So, if your date is a mechanic, offer a massage in exchange for an oil change for your car.  If your date is a chef, ask for a customise meal that you choose that he or she makes for you, or teaches you how to make. If your date is a gardener, ask them to give some of their time to your garden, or some more of their delicious organic tomatoes, or to go with you to choose something from a plant shop so their time has been offered to you as you have offered to them, and their expertise has been offered to you as you have offered your expertise to them.

So in summary, if a date, family member, or friend, asks for a massage, I would 1.ask them to book in to see you at your clinic in your professional environment, as it’s your turf and your space (and with your equipment, as you are more familiar and therefore less likely to injure yourself rather than if you use unknown or other people’s setup).  And 2. be upfront, and clearly communicate your boundaries, and say something like “I could never charge you money, but as I’m giving you my time, how about we swap ‘this’ for ‘this’, does that sound like a fair deal to you?”